I fell asleep at 7:30 tonight, after I had dinner. I woke up to a drop of saliva sliding off my bottom lip and landing on the lid of my laptop. I was both aware and unaware that this was happening. I was dreaming about baseball, which made sense when I woke up to the Yankees / Red Sox game on ESPN.
My job is very boring, so even though I got a full night’s rest on Sunday, and did absolutely nothing at work, I still felt exhausted when I came home. I cooked a French bread pizza in the toaster oven. The Tigers game was postponed. I fell asleep.
This would be a problem if I had to work Tuesday, but I don’t. I’m estimating I’ll be awake until about 8 am or later. I’m just deciding whether or not I’d like to see the sun rise, which could possibly make me less apt to sleep.
There are times when I feel like I’ve stepped outside of my body, or at least been turned upside-down or inside-out; like I’m observing my thoughts from a separate perspective than the one that I’m used to. It’s often accompanied by a mood shift. Depressing is the word that comes to mind, but perhaps it’s more of a realist vibe. I’m assessing things, my life in general, focusing primarily on what I’m unhappy with.
I can scroll through Facebook and see 321 different faces, but only a handful elicit any kind of significant response. I take issue with these responses, however, because they aren’t based in reality. I’m having a terrible time convincing myself to face life, rather than what I’d like life to be. It’s easy to get wrapped up in habits and ideas; doing something because that’s just how it’s done. It’s how you’ve always done it. Doing it because you’re supposed to do it.
I think there is validity in the practice of knocking other people down a peg to make oneself feel better. If you’re looking at it on a moral compass, it’s nowhere to be found, but it’s valid in the fact that it works. “At least I’m not that guy. At least I don’t have a kid. At least I have no great tragedy.”
But sometimes I think I need a great tragedy, like I’d be better off if something awful were to happen. Maybe it would spark change. Maybe I’m just insane.
